Bogus

meteor showers and blinking lights

2009-08-13T04:01:00.000-07:00

which is more beautiful... shooting stars or distant prison lights?
which is more important... your college degree or your free throw?
which gets more updates... your blog or your twitter?
which do you believe in... jesus christ or stephen hawking?

which would you rather have... a job or a life?

are these questions unique enough that i will get hits from people who search them on google? i feel like these are questions people might type.

questions i might google later

2009-08-11T03:10:00.000-07:00

1. what makes a moon a moon and not a planet?
2. when was the tv, color tv, vcr, microwave made?
3. is it true that ostriches can and do eat dirt?
4. what percent of the US population has a college degree?
5. what percent of modern youth achieves a college degree?
6. are there people who meet from missed connections on craigslist and end up getting married?
7. are there aliens in tehachapi?
8. what is the presidents salary?
9. what are 10 things a person should do in a lifetime?

another new blog

2009-08-10T02:26:00.001-07:00

this new blog i started is about stuff that doesn't matter, as all blogs are:

http://newsthatsimportant.blogspot.com

it matters almost as much as this one, which has had only 28 unique visitors and 34 total views since its conception two weeks ago:

http://omgpoems.blogspot.com

things in south africa

2009-08-09T03:46:00.001-07:00

that im scared of:

1. lions
2. tigers
3. diseases
4. corrupt governments
_____________________________________________

that would be pretty fucking dope:

1. wildlife from a safe distance
2. perspective gain
3. bragging rights?
4. everything else too duh..!

should i go to fucking south africa

2009-08-07T02:37:00.000-07:00

fueltv is doing a sweepstakes where you write a 150 maximum word essay explaining why you should get to go with Element and TOMS to help give away free skateboards and shoes to poor kids in africa on a paid 7 day trip in october.

am i worthy? what could i say in 150 words that makes me deserve it more than someone else?

well, why do i want to do it? is it because its a chance to go to africa for free? is it because its a chance to become friends with chad muska? do i want to do it for the kids or for myself? do i want to pursue a career in the nonprof sect or should i just say i do to seem more deserving? should i be honest or lie? how am i not myself? what am i doing with my life? why is there a donkey in the picture?

interview with a college graduate

2009-08-04T01:03:00.000-07:00

Where did you attend college? Arizona State University
What did you study? English
How did it qualify you to get a job? it didn't
Did you grow as a person? as a beard
What's your career choice? well, i want to start jogging

omg poems

2009-08-02T02:18:00.001-07:00

someone started a new blog, and it's pretty serious

http://omgpoems.blogspot.com <<<---- (click da link?)

postmodernism clashes with egocentrism

2009-07-30T03:35:00.000-07:00

broken bones in order

2009-07-30T03:18:00.000-07:00

1. left arm (radius)
2. right wrist
3. left foot (5th metatarsal)
4. right food (5th metatarsal)
5. right ankle (distal fibula)
6. right middle and ring finger (middle phalanx)

1. 2 1/2 months in cast past elbow
2. 6 weeks in a smaller cast
3. walking boot
4. walking boot
5. surgery - plate with screws 4 lyfe
6. damn it - http://alwaysbogus.blogspot.com/2009/03/fingaz-with-attitude_16.html

1. age 10, fat kid lands on me while wrestling
2. age 12, grinding ledge on pyramid at skatestreet
3. age 14, 360 flip 5 stair
4. age 15, nollie 180 3 stair
5. age 19, boneless 360 9 stair
6. age 21, bs 50-50 sketchy flat bar

http://boblawblog.blogspot.com/

2009-07-28T01:56:00.000-07:00

"It's not a legal blog. And I am not Bob."

sometimes i wish

2009-07-28T01:26:00.000-07:00

1. i was a little kid
2. i had a wife and kids
3. i lived my life more in the moment
4. i was friends with famous people
5. more people checked my blog
6. i had more blogs
7. i wrote more things down
8. there was a job i wanted to do
9. i had a scholarship lined up for grad skewl and a reason to go
10. I WAS NEVER BORN!!!

>:(

jk, lol

11. i used more internet lingo

missed connections? lol

2009-07-26T02:46:00.000-07:00

nice butt part 2 - w4m

i am sorry to say, but none of the men who have emailed me so far have turned out to be the one man who possessed the fine ass that i worshiped for 30 seconds. i suppose many men have or believe themselves to have nice butts (and own golden retrievers as well)...but(t) the particular one i seek has not yet heard my calls.

haha this is part two? i must find part one...

nice butt - w4m - 30

damn. i saw you walking your dog the other day in my neighborhood. your pants might have been a little too tight, but that's okay because you have a NICE BUTT. your cheeks are beautiful conjoined orbs and they twitched so perfectly as you made your way down the street. i was shocked and almost swerved into a parked car when i first spotted your amazing ass. your dog was a golden retriever.

so many mustaches

2009-07-24T02:47:00.001-07:00

picasa web album - mustache hall of fame?

click the above link to see all the mustache photos from my other blog, mustacheme, in one web album.

maybe some day i'll start updating it regularly again. maybe not.

things that suck that ive had to do at work

2009-07-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

1. clean and reorganize areas that have webs and bugs
2. stand in the sun for hours on end in one spot
3. bore myself to death
4. wake up before the sun comes up
5. try to keep my eyes open during meetings after pulling all-nighters
6. be there from 2-5 am
7. get made fun of by fraternity bros
8. splashed with day old puke
9. have one-on-one conversations with the most annoying person ever
10. get my hands so dirty that the black between my fingerprints survives for a week and my hands get dried out from washing them too often

etc, duh

things ive spent time doing while i was being paid hourly to do something else

2009-07-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

1. sleep
2. go to the movies
3. relax in massage chair at costco
4. write blog posts
5. read several books
6. play bump out
7. go skateboarding
8. help a friend move
9. go swimming
10. take advantage of free foods

etc, duh

which job should i do (an interactive blog post)

2009-07-23T02:25:00.000-07:00

cast your vote in the comments section (i'll be excited if i get even one response)

1. chacha guide / kgb secret agent

2. chinese food delivery driver

3. high school substitute teacher

4. movie extra

5. teach english in a foreign country

6. collect stuff from 'free' section of craigslist, sell for profit

7. other: suggest an idea plz thx

things i was interested in as a young kid

2009-07-20T02:23:00.000-07:00

1. dinosaurs
2. outer space
3. volcanoes
4. lions and tigers
5. sharks

related jobs:

1. director of jurassic park IV
2. personal assistant for the elderly aka Buzz Aldrin
3. tommy lee jones
4. liger breeder
5. steve zissou?

realization:

i am unqualified to be a professional anything

ps. since my interests are all science-y and my related jobs are all hollywoody, should i just be alan alda when i grow up?

pps. whens that?

if i had a million dollars i would (high school counselor question)

2009-07-19T01:39:00.001-07:00

1. eat lots of asian foods i.e. chinese, thai, vietnamese
2. spend a lot of time on the internet
3. continue to blog
4. keep skating
5. travel a lot
6. spend it all

__________________________________________________________

related job opportunities

1. asian restaurant delivery driver
2. chacha guide
3. google adsense
4. work at woodward (abd)
5. flight attendant
6. vagabond

things to do on the internet late at night

2009-07-17T01:59:00.000-07:00

1. watch jay-z fade to black on youtube
2. watch lil wayne interviews on youtube
3. read simon and garfunkel lyrics
4. read old blog comments
5. make a wikipedia article about yourself
6. google image search yourself and zoom

if i shaved my head and my beard

2009-07-17T01:01:00.000-07:00

1. i would have a mustache
2. id laugh at myself in the mirror
3. id be afraid to walk out of the bathroom
4. i might feel totally refreshed
5. i might feel silly enough that i dont feel shitty
6. people might make fun of me
7. i might get lasik and become a whole new person
8. i might start an indie band
9. i might realize that im wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked
10. both would grow back

ps.

11. its all going to shit anyway

things i probably shouldn't have touched (a chronological list of small mistakes)

2009-07-15T01:40:00.000-07:00

1. hot stove top (1993)
2. hot part of go-ped engine (1997)
3. lion cub's face (2004)
4. buoy (2006)
5. windmill (2009)

Explanations:

1. age 6 - i poked the burner on the stove when my mom was cooking french toast because i was young and curious. my finger got burned pretty badly and the tip turned white-ish.

2. age 10 - i was picking up my friend's go-ped and accidentally grabbed a hot part with one hand. i had a constant burning sensation in my finger tips that only went away when they were submerged, so i fell asleep with my hand in a mug of cold water. i woke up, hand out of water, with no pain or visible burn.

3. age 16 - by an odd string of circumstances on a trip to las vegas, i was led to a friend's friend's apartment who was temporarily taking care of someone else's pet lion cub. i was scared to stick my fingers in the cage to touch it, but everyone else was doing it so... i was face to face with the beast when it sneezed on me, literally leaving a booger on my glasses. booger-vision.

4. age 19 - i swam what felt like dangerously far into the ocean at a spanish beach to touch a buoy (spain-drop). as soon as i reached the thing, i saw the rusty chain that held it down to the ocean floor an unknown distance below me. that the chain disappeared from vision only inches below my feet into the dark gloomy water made me realize that anything could be below me and looking back, i realized how far i was from shore. i swam back as fast as i could, which was really slow against the current. by the time i reached sand, i'd drifted pretty far laterally. obviously, i wasn't wearing my corrective eye-wear so i had to search for my friends amongst a blurry collage of half-naked humans on a crowded touristy beach, feeling embarrassed that they might be watching me pass them repeatedly like an idiot.

5. age 22 - left with nothing to do on my birthday in the armpit of california, my friends and i drove a few minutes out of town to check out a field of windmills. we found a dirt road that lead us a little closer and then found our way over a short barbed wire fence so that we could walk right up and touch one of them. it was pretty cool to stand directly underneath the massive blade and imagine it chopping me in half like a baked potato.

my college degree has afforded me the following low-paying craigslist jobs

2009-07-14T01:29:00.000-07:00

1. Extras Needed for TV/Film (Phoenix)
- You may be asked to ride a bicycle, play cards, drink coffee in a coffee shop, or simply talk to someone.

2. Biodiesel plant needs general help (Arlington, AZ)
- Position is ideal for semi or retired good hard working person.

3. Cartoonist needed (Chandler, AZ)
- Looking for a talented cartoonist that can create a logo of an animated cow for a new company.

4. Creative Writing / Bloggers (Glendale)
- Looking for people who are highly skilled at Blogging, Facebook, and Twitter. If you can do it all, great!

5. Cook/Van Driver (Chandler)
- Responsibilities would include picking up children from school in the child care passenger van and cooking and serving snacks, lunch and dinner.

things i've done since i finished college

2009-07-13T01:21:00.000-07:00

1. got a lower paying job
2. laundried and showered less often
3. eated less ethnic foods
4. watched less seinfeld
5. missed the way things were
6. made less blog posts
7. made my blog posts more emo
8. started using the word emo
9. realized "it's all going to shit"
10. started making lists

websites you can trust

2009-07-01T20:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes every button on your crappy razr decides to stop working in the middle of a call for no reason (well, because it's a razr). And sometimes this happens when you're in the middle of no where and you're best bet is to borrow a phone from someone but it turns out that the phone is an AT&T phone and you have T-mobile and you don't have the "subsidy code" to make the phone work.

So you browse google for the answer. And there are a hundred answers. These answers are websites where you pay them to send you the code you need. How do they get the code? No one knows. How do you know they will even send you the code and not just steal your money? No one knows. Why do the phone companies go out of their way to install software which locks their fucking phones that would otherwise be fully functional? Because they're buttfuckers.

Remoteunlocks.com seems like a good site. You figure you'd better test this hypothesis before you surrender your credit card digits. So you type in a bunch of fake information:

You click submit and it brings you to this page to tell you that "ta-da!" Your phone details have been successfully submitted and our system shows that your taco cock phone can be unlocked immediately.

And it even sends you an email confirmation just to be sure that you know how bogus it is.

And then you cry yourself to sleep.

"hey ari, how come you never update anymore?"

2009-06-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

"Because I'm in the middle of nowhere, duh."

Here's a map of Tehachapi, a small town in California.

Here's a map of an even smaller town called Stallions Springs. It's sort of a suburb of Tehachapi I guess.

Zoomed out version to emphasize my middleofnowhereness...

Even more zoomed out. (three people might get the joke. maybe.)

Beautiful Stallion Springs. My summer getaway. The only place in North America that has a higher population of raccoons than people.

I made that up.

google again? google everywhere!

2009-06-01T23:09:00.000-07:00

In the late night boredom of my recent retirement, I found myself on this particular night googling my own name, a not uncommon pastime of mine. Unusually, I made a discovery!

I'm in a book! (on Google books)

Apparently while on a military operation in Madrid, I fell in love with a local woman at a cafe and was soon after killed in a private meeting with a man named Hassan, who turned out to be Mansour Obaidi, a bomb maker and the leader of a terrorist group called The Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine.

thank you youtube ads

2009-05-31T00:58:00.001-07:00

I noticed all these ads that pop up on YouTube videos lately, and I was wondering if they work anything like Google AdSense. Basically I was wondering if YouTube makes all the money from them or if the user who posts the video gets his chunk. I tried to do some googling to find out the answer but didn't get quite that far. I was going to type into the search bar "What's with the ads on youtube videos now"

I didn't even finish typing the first word before this came up:

It was too funny not to click it. Do people honestly google that question so much that it comes up as the second suggested result after typing the most basic question word? Anyways, I clicked it.

The first result was from Amazon.com so I figured it was a book, but I clicked it anyways just to see what else I could find out.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I wikipedia-ed her and found out that she was some Jewish sex advice lady in the 80's or something. I think she's scary.

interview with a weirdo

2009-05-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

from chumpchange (click the link)

Where are you from? Phoenix, Arizona
How old are you? 21
What is your favorite color? If my last answer was 7, I might be able to answer this question.
Why aren't you in college? Because I'm finished, duh.
What are you going to do when you grow up? Slowly realize that more and more of my friends are becoming better than me at skateboarding, until I've gone from being one of the best to one of the worst, which I think might have already happened.
What made you start this blog? Well, I decided I want to start a blog. So I started mustacheme, where I just take pictures of people wearing a glasses/mustache disguise and post them for the world (Tim Ward) to see. Then because I always had my camera with me for that, I started taking pictures of other stuff and started this blog as a side blog so that the other pictures didn't go to waste. Since then, this blog seems to have progressed into my main blog and mustacheme has become my side blog.
Why did the ads on chumpchange get disable by google? Everytime I went on there, I clicked each ad at least once and then hit the back button right away. Google must have caught on that I was cheating and stole away the $20 or so dollars that I had earned for Tim.
So where do you live right now? Tempe for another week and a half, then in a tiny town in California called Stallion Springs for the summer, and then nowhere - homeless.
Why was Tim's Arizona house such a hang out for you? Because Tim would never leave his house so I had to go there if I wanted to hang with him!
Did you ever spend the night there? Of course, plenty of times.
Even though you had your own house two miles away where you could sleep in your own bed? Yeah. I slept there a ton of times, but I think it was at least sort of on accident every single time. Or sometimes I would announce that I was going to actually go home for once and Pat or Brett would be like "C'mon let's be serious Ari. You're staying here. Just stay." They can be very convincing. Eventually it came to the point that I had to sneak out on my hands and knees and then yell "Bye!" when I got to the door and run for it because otherwise they would tackle me and make me stay.

twitter phone update -> txt convo

2009-05-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

Alex D. on Twitter: You stop shaving when you have a bathroom that doesn't have a mirror.

My bathroom has a mirror. But not over the sink. Pretty frustrating for shaving. I feel for you.

I don't even really care. The only people I ever talk to are horrible yuppies with Bluetooth pieces and shorts.

You should trade contact info with them and then tp their houses and listen to Aerosmith on your ipod (the theme to Armageddon).

I would have to get an iphone before they give me the time of day.

Haha. Why would anyone build a bathroom without a mirror over the sink? And why do they build showerheads that are too short to stand under. To be ugly-person and midget friendly?

Seriously. The struggles I've had with shower heads.

star trek time warp

2009-05-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

I saw the Star Trek movie on accident because I was sneaking into a second movie after seeing Next Day Air and Star Trek was the only one starting within the next five minutes. Next Day Air was cool. I liked it because I'm white and Mos Def is on the movie poster. Even though I've never been a trekkie, I actually did like Star Trek. There came a point though where I stopped trying to keep track of all the time traveling and how it caused events to change and all that stuff. Too many dimensions to keep track of. P.S. What's a dimension?

Late last night I found myself driving twenty over with the windows down and Journey blaring on my radio. Streetlight people! You know the song. You know how once in a while you smell something very specific that reminds you exactly what it felt like to be in second grade? Last night for the length of that song, it reminded me exactly what it felt like to be eighteen speeding down the 101 at 4am listening to the same song, windows down, on my way to a ridiculous job interview at UPS. It really reminded me that I haven't changed at all. It's like I warped 4 years into the future with some weird trekkie device and the knowledge of everything I learned in college which, incidentally, I'm convinced I could have easily absorbed in one week. I feel like the only difference between my first late night Journey journey and my recent one is that the first time I was on summer break with no job and this time I'm on summer,fall,winter,spring break with no job.

P.S. Did I 'name drop' that I graduated college on this blog yet?

collegecollegecollegecollegecollegecollegecollege

P.P.S. Too deep for blogger? sry

myspace pix

2009-05-26T10:27:00.001-07:00

Shot this sequence of Philly Phil doing a slash grind at Beardsley last winter. Myspace style.

asu is for chumps

2009-05-25T14:27:00.000-07:00

pie chart complete. hopefully never going back to skewl :)

cell fone pix

2009-05-23T10:47:00.001-07:00

Sometimes my coworkers take pictures of me sleeping in the grass at work.

Other times thousands of people fill the stands to watch me do the same thing.

Moral of the story:
Sleeping in grass can earn you both money and fame.
____________________________________________________
P.S. no response yet from the craigslist homie. i'm losing faith in him...

craigslist gone wrong?!

2009-05-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

So I've been advertising on craigslist in the apartments for rent section. A girl who saw my ad came by today to see my place, and asked me if I had another place down the street I was trying to rent out too. She wondered this because the other place had an ad with almost identical wording. We searched for it and found it.
View below:
_____________________________________________________________

This is a very nice one bedroom apartment in downtown Tempe. Perfect for ASU students. Free orbit bus runs right past the driveway to ASU.

Only 1/4 mile West of ASU and Mill Ave. ---- great neighborhood

Covered parking spot - considerate landlord and very helpful maintenance guy if any problem arises.

Rent is 687, but I am desperate to find a new tenant to take my place because I'm moving and can't afford to pay for the remaining time through August 20th on my lease...

Move in as soon as you'd like or as soon as possible...preferably June 1
______________________________________________________________

All of that was copied and pasted, word for word, except for the price and the date. I just thought it was interesting and decided I'd respond to his ad, just for fun. My email went like this:
______________________________________________________________

you stole my ad! are you in a similar situation and it just works perfectly for you or are you just trying different strategies to rent your unit? just curious

you're making mine look less authentic though! Im just kidding it's fine because yours is much more expensive so i doubt the same people are really considering both apartments anyways.
______________________________________________________________

Now I recognize that tone of voice sometimes doesn't come across properly through email, but I think I made it pretty clear that I was just joking around when I said "Im just kidding it's fine". Honestly, I was just a little curious and thought it would be funny to ask him about it. Here's what I expected his response might be like:
_______________________________________________________________

haha yeah, I stole your ad, sorry. rofl! i was in a rush and your apartment is just like mine, so i figured i'd just do the ol' copy n' paste maneuver to save some time. thanx! lol
_______________________________________________________________

And here's his actual response:
_______________________________________________________________

you have got to be joking

im doing a god damned favor for my girlfriend, and im not trying to waste a bunch of time in the morning before i have to work... i saw your ad and it was in the same location with the same concept. ever heard of emulation.

I did not steal your ad- I paraphrased it to save me time with a little cut and paste and adjustments necessary.

are you ucking joking?

really?

YOU spent that much time to say i stole your ad.

really....you have that much time on your hands to waste by realizing I used your text explanation....for the same thing...close to the same instance......... call the cops.

at least i'm not dumb enough to leave my phone number- wallower. go get lost in your own shame...
____________________________________________________________________


Here's what my response should be:
____________________________________________________________________
You are correct. I am joking. I have never heard the word
emulation. What's that?

Let's make a deal. I'll look up the word emulation if you look
up the word paraphrase.

Yes. I spent that much time to say you stole my ad. I have that
much time on my hands (30 seconds?). I just finished college and
quit my job so yeah, I've got all the 30 secondssssss in the world
to spare.

I called the cops. Uh, yah busted?!
________________________________________________________________

Here's what my actual response will be, in five minutes:
________________________________________________________________

Cool! I blogged you. Check it out: http://alwaysbogus.blogspot.com
________________________________________________________________

via myspace blog august 2008

2009-05-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Roach III,

You weren't granted permission to invade my kitchen. I murdered you with chemicals. I hate the tapping noise of your scurrying feet which led me to you. I had to clean you up and I was not happy about it. I used two pieces of paper in a scooping motion. You were soft and slimy and you had expelled the larger portion of your guts from your formerly rigid exoskeleton as a final declaration of defiance towards me.

Sincerely yours,

Ari Lev Shiffrin

P.S. I would advise that next time you be more careful in controlling the volume of your footsteps.

the key to winning scrabble

2009-05-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

*use a shocking word so that your competitors don't realize you simultaneously created a fake word

"OMG enema?!"

3 turns later...

"Wait a second, eface isn't a word!"

"life is like a box of chocolates" by Gump

2009-05-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

i finished my paul reiser book and flushed the toiletpapersquare bookmark down the toilet. I'm glad to say that no time was wasted reading that book because every page read was spent simultaneously pooping. with my butt.

BUSTED!

i was going to post a picture of my last poop with the book, but it was one of those goat poop style poops and i was embarrassed ;)

"omg french is so arty" - you?

i also graduated college, they say. obama-lama-lama was there. nobody shot him :) i still have a paper to turn in :(

ladies and gentlemen, the great preston harper:
Ari Shiffrin: are you really always happy or do you just pretend you are
pharper89: theres really not that many things you can get angry or disappointed about
Ari Shiffrin: go on...
pharper89: well
pharper89: thats it
pharper89: any questions

Via SHREDandBREAKFAST:
"last night i slept on a lawn chair outside of a alberstons while most people were getting deplomas" -miyagi

uh, im busted?!

uh, yuh busted?!

2009-05-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

Tim Ward smokes cigs?

busted?

Vlad listens to KMK?

BUSTED.

Harl has a Mr. Dink Dick?

Definitely BUSTED!

tim and zoe

2009-05-10T01:28:00.000-07:00

came over to my apartment to hang out. i never have people over because my place is so tinyyyyyyyyy.

we watched the rise video.

then they morphed into a zoe-tim superhuman.

that last post was so boring

2009-05-09T00:12:00.000-07:00

that I'm posting this video of girls dancing in their undies to make up for it:

My favorite youtube comment on this video so far:

KeroroGunsouTX (18 hours ago)
*shakes head*

White people. :|

And here's a picture of a creepy security guy who was zooming in on chicks with the surveillance cameras and with his ponytail: BUSTED.

Teacher Evaluation (comment box)

2009-05-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Since the last post got such raving reviews in the comments, I decided I'd post this one too. It's from an online literature class I took over the summer a year ago with Prof. Steve Farmer. If you didn't like the last rant, I recommend you skip this one...

I was ultimately turned off when I received B's on my first two assignments. For the email assignment on Thursday, I think I was penalized for having my own opinion which was contrary to Steve's. The question clearly asked "What do you think..." I wrote what I think. I know what I think. You cannot tell me that I am wrong about what I think and consider yourself a logical thinker. I was very angry about this, especially because I thought my opinion was both unique and justified. Also, he gave us notes about taking an anti-intentionalist critical standpoint, which I did as it is in my nature to do and which he says is equally as legitimate. Then he graded me poorly (if you call a b poorly) for not agreeing with the information he presented to us about his own ideas, which would be an intentionalist standpoint. As far as the second assignment - Friday essay - I felt that my essay was as good as or better than every other essay written by my classmates. It was very well organized and made interesting use of the prompt.

At this point, I felt like there was nothing I could do to get an A if that assignment earned only a B. Frankly, if any other student from that week got an A on his/her essay, I was graded unfairly. At this point, I decided it wasn't worth putting forth a legitimate effort in the course. I stopped doing the readings and bullshitted my responses because my grades seemed to be handed out arbitrarily anyways. The assignments I thought were more well done often received lower grades than the ones that I may as well have shit straight out onto the screen. I don't think he is a bad professor, necessarily. He actually wrote very insightful responses to all of my assignments and seemed like he really cared a lot. I just think that if I get anything less than an A in this class, I will have been cheated. I was very unimpressed with the quality of my classmates’ responses for the most part. I've been trying to realize that Professor Tupper and all his cousins by the dozens are all Seymour's fat lady, but come on, I'm only human! This class made me hate ASU.

*if you read all of that, im sorry

**for those of you that are confused, that "Seymour's fat lady" mumbo jumbo was an allusion to a famous short story that I figured my professor should probably understand since he teaches literature

ASU Final Student Experience Survey (comments box)

2009-05-07T23:30:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: I recommend that you don't read this unless you are bored. There are definitely things you can spend your time doing on the internet that are more valuable than reading this rant, which was written off the top of my head and might make no sense to you.

Elizabeth McNeil was my adviser. She was rude the first two times I spoke with her, and unnecessarily yelled and cursed at me the third time. I think she should be fired, at least from her position as an adviser, if she is not prepared to be helpful and courteous to students. I filed a formal complaint with the English department, so for more information on that topic, look it up or contact me. Honestly, it was the most ridiculous experience I had at ASU and never would have expected to have to deal with something like that at a government funded institution. I pay taxes to pay for that? That's silly.

I had Julie Codell for an art history class. She wastes a lot of class time waiting for someone to answer one of her many unimportant questions. When none of the students who might actually know the answer speaks up, she wastes even more time going around the room picking on students who she knows don't know the answer just to embarrass them. I was one of those students, because I didn't waste my time reading the text book. Part of being a good student is using one's time efficiently, and spending hours a day reading a boring art history text book was not worth my time that semester. I didn't need it to get the scores I desired on tests and homework or achieve my desired final grade. She should understand that negative reinforcement doesn't typically work on students. Being embarrassed didn't make me want to read my text book. It made me want to not show up to class next time. I look at the whole situation like this: She wasted time, time is money (at least in that she is being paid for her time there), ASU is a government funded institution, I pay taxes.

Therefore, Julie Codell was wasting government money that I contribute to by paying my taxes each year. What I'm getting at is this: Julie Codell owes me money. It is probably only a small fraction of one penny, but I expect her to pay it back in full before my graduation on May 13.

Also, she wrongly accused me of cheating because I was able to write a better essay when I had the opportunity to take it home and work on it for days than when I had to squeeze it onto the end of a timed exam with no dictionary, thesaurus, or art history reference materials. Is she retarded? I'm not trying to be rude or politically incorrect here. To me, that is a display of a lack of logic that leads me to believe that she could in fact be retarded. I do believe that retarded people deserve to be able to hold jobs in a variety of fields. However, retarded people should not be college professors.

*if you read all of that, im sorry

chris milic AIM convo

2009-05-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

asdooooo: wut u doin with ur life
asdooooo: mr. collage grad
Ari Shiffrin: well not just yet
Ari Shiffrin: still finishing up
Ari Shiffrin: and the answer will probably be the same stuff minus school
asdooooo: neaT
asdooooo: u kan do wutever u like wen u graduate
asdooooo: das sweet
asdooooo: u kan jus sk8 and do kikflips

I think all I've wanted to so since I was eleven years old is 'jus sk8 and do kikflips'.

P.S. For those keeping up on the blog, I'm about 2/3 of the way done with Paul Reiser, and it hasn't left my bathroom since I started.

(also, my bookmark is a square of toilet paper)
(not the square floating in the toilet. a different square)
(now that i think of it, i will probably flush my bookmark when i finish reading the book)

a healthy diet

2009-05-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

If I had a smoothie every morning for breakfast, I might be twice as healthy and three times as happy. banana, mango, soy milk, guava nectar, apple, pear, frozen strawberries, frozen blue berries. I say throw it all in. Water melon maybe? I don't think there is a single fruit I don't like.

Before:

After:

If you're pretty bored, check back tomorrow for my copy and pasted comments box from my ASU Experience Survey where I talk some shit on some teachers.

gradumation

2009-05-05T16:16:00.000-07:00

In two weeks I'll have a B.A. in English. I haven't read a single novel for college. I haven't bought or used a text book in over a year. I have two more papers to write before I graduate, yet my top priority is finishing this Paul Reiser book. I'm half-way finished.

Quality literature.

damien is not his real name; it's michael

2009-05-03T00:46:00.001-07:00

This is Damien's blog. (<--link) When he's not drinking beers, he can be found taking pictures in ASU's secret underground tunnel system for the State Press newspaper. He needs to get a twitter.

duh

2009-05-02T00:50:00.001-07:00

came across this outside the fine arts center at school, obviously...

it's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. i hope you had the time of your life.

2009-04-30T23:13:00.000-07:00

i didn't.

today was my last day of work after having the same job for almost four years. i started the job, at ASU, a couple weeks before i started actual classes my freshman year. i'm graduating in a couple weeks and i managed to hold on to the same job for the whole time i went to college.

time of my life? i'd like to think i have better times ahead of me. but i did like it and will miss it. i made a few really good friends there over the years and learned a lot more from all the weird conversations we had when he had endless boring hours to kill than i did from going to my classes.

anyways, hopefully i'll have to wear slacks for my next job.

"First you get the job, then you get the khakis, then you get the girls..."

2009-04-29T23:20:00.000-07:00

I took these books out from the ASU library the summer before I even started classes my freshman year. I read each once, couldn't find them at any used-book stores, but felt like I couldn't return them till I owned them. I'm about to graduate. I might just have to settle and buy them new.

Anyways, I just thought it was funny that I had to renew them exactly 69 times to last through my whole four years of college. I wish it was the Jay-Z biography or something cool instead of some nerdy poems. Do I get some cute emo boy points at least?

creepy things are going on

2009-04-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

Miyagi Zombie

Ari Ghost

polaroid proof

2009-04-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

In this post http://alwaysbogus.blogspot.com/2009/03/old-west-begins-where-asphalt-ends.html I claimed that I had a polaroid to prove that Pat was as scared of the donkey as the donkey was of Pat, but no scanner. So I finally took a picture of the picture instead.

This is a picture of a picture of Pat and Pedro (the donkey) running away from EACH OTHER!

it is quite freaky isn't it, bret?

2009-03-31T14:30:00.001-07:00

Yeah

No

"Get a picture of that thing!"

ryan reyes

2009-03-28T20:52:00.001-07:00

This kid dances as good as anyone I've ever seen.

And he apparently never stops smiling. He is very admirable.

the fridge again? this is boring.

2009-03-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

meat man

2009-03-24T16:03:00.001-07:00

"Who did you vote for?"
"For what?"
"The President."
"Of what?"
"The United States."
"Of what?"
"Of America."
"Which America?"
"North America."
"Naw slick, I don't vote. You wanna buy some of this meat or what?"

______________________________________________________
Go watch Head of State. And I'll buy lunch for anyone who can find that clip on youtube for me.

messages from man to man by means of fridge

2009-03-23T00:46:00.000-07:00

messages to the future from past readers

2009-03-20T22:55:00.000-07:00

I usually buy my books from used bookstores, because I'm cheap. When I'm lucky, people have written things in them. Maybe I'll write in all of mine for people who end up with them after me.

This seems like a nice gift.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Who is gaamma?

_________________________________________________________________________________

Andre must be way over the hill by now.

He probably still can't pronounce his last name to this day.

fingaz with attitude

2009-03-16T02:33:00.001-07:00

Six months ago, I shattered my middle and ring fingers skateboarding. "Omg, Ari, how?" "Falling, duh." My glasses fell off in the midst of the accident and my friend Ryan ran up to see if I was okay. I looked up from my smushed, crooked fingers. "Oh shit, Ari..." "Yeah?" "I think I stepped on your glasses." "Well, did you or didn't you?" I looked back down to my smushed, crooked glasses. "I did."

The doctor at the ER told me she'd never seen anything like it since she's been a doctor. "How long have you been a doctor?" "Twenty years." I went to a specialist and he basically told me that I really screwed myself up and he can't fix me, but he'll do his best. Great.

Moral of the story:

Don't break your fingers.

Eight weeks with all these pins sticking out of me, another eight weeks of physical therapy, and six months later: still swollen and krooked.

It's sort of like getting a Thrasher tattoo, right? I hear those are cool.

the ocean

2009-03-13T00:05:00.000-07:00

Q: Can I really plug my own blog on my own blog? Is that allowed?
A: Yes.

Q: What is this a picture of? (Of what is this a picture? Never end a sentence with a preposition, duh.)

A: A small close up portion of my friend Cody Bear's face - nose, lip, upper teeth, cheek.

fake myspace survey duh

2009-03-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

If you don't read this survey and then fill it out on your own it within 10 minutes, the boy/girl you like will get a fortune cookie that advises him/her to remake 'two girls one cup' and then move to an Asian country, and he/she will take this advice.

1. Is there a certain someone, animal or human, that you've been thinking about a lot lately?

Mr. Hands duh

2. Have you ever french kissed someone who is more than 4 times your age?

So often. Earlier today i made out with this 85 year old. I hooked up with a ten year old when I was only 6 months old, also!

3. Did you have a crush on someone, tomorrow?

That makes no sense. Maybe. No. Yes.

4. You love breakfast, right?

Duh

5. When you feel dirty and smell a little, do you shower in warm apple juice or just say fuck it and roll a couple spliffz?

You know Im da spliff man bruddah!

6. How many acids did you drop the first time you went to church?

Four acids, I think.

7. Do you think you're doing something with your life just because you go to college and have a job and a home?

Maybe. Give me a break, I'm doing the best I can. I'm trying to I guess.

8. Oh, well you're wrong. You are a dumbass. You should give up all your possessions and move to India to study Mahayana Buddhism.

Okay John Lennon. Real original. I'm really impressed, John.

9. Fuck you. I hate you.

Okay?

10. Do you take surveys because you want to prove to other people that you aren't boring? It's not worth it. They already know you are. You aren't special.

I'm selfish. I don't know.

11. What's the most impressive thing you've done lately?

I put cornflakes on my PB and J sammy. Its perfect!

12. If you could see any band, alive or dead, which would you rather and who?

I can't believe this is a question on this survey because I always think about this exact hypothetical situation! I'd want to go to a GG Allin concert in my high school gym. And I'd rather be alive, otherwise I'm already dead, so that doesn't make any sense! duh.

13. How many people do you think will read far enough to get to this question?

Maybe one or two. I'm not expecting a lot of people to read this really.

14. Wrong again. No one will even click on your bulletin. God you are so cocky. You think you're so special and everyone cares about reading about you and shit. Grow up.

What's my age again?

15. Okay, nice reference. You've tied up the score. Now, the final and most important question: What's your motivation for waking up in the morning? I mean, you're so pathetic, why even bother?

I live each day like it's my last bro. You dont even know. No regrets. I regretted something once. I've regretted it every day since. Learned that lesson quick. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Don't kick a dead cat if it's already dead. I don't mean to toss the turkey or anything, but come on, this question is a little presumptuous.

can a dog blog?

2009-03-12T02:37:00.001-07:00

This dog has an eye for blogging...

the old west begins where the asphalt ends

2009-03-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

This donkey's name is Pedro Gonzales Gonzales Gonzales. The woman who works in the gift shop of the ghost town outside of Jerome, AZ told me. I asked her "why three times". She said "because he is Mexican" with implications of "duh". She is one of only five or six people who lives there. I would call it a junkyard before I would call it a town. Pat was first to accost Pedro when he came strolling from around the bend. I think Pat was about as scared of Pedro as Pedro was of Pat. I have a Polaroid to prove it but no scanner.

The gift shop woman gave us food for Pedro. He eventually warmed up to us enough to eat right out of our hands.

Tim Ward, in the background, thought we were all crazy for being so comfortable around a wild animal. Tim Armour, in the foreground, disagreed.

heed this advice

2009-03-08T00:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, we won't.

Emergency

2009-03-07T09:40:00.001-08:00

"Hello, 911? I'm lost. Buy me ice cream please."

"Do you like Flock of Seagulls?" -me
"I can see you do." -911

Two Tims from Chicago In Phoenix

2009-03-06T20:51:00.000-08:00

Tim + Tim > Ari
(in both weight and height)

Ducks and Dancing

2009-03-04T19:02:00.000-08:00

"A washed pot never boils." -Zoe Shiffrin

How much flannel is too much flannel? No such thing!

"What are you looking at?" - Duck
"The one with the white afro." - Me

Cameron busting a move old school style with the boombox and the bike...

the zoo and the ziti

2009-03-01T23:57:00.000-08:00

I drove out past the Phoenix Zoo yesterday to check out Hole in the Rock in Papago Park. I thought it might be cool to see the sun set over Tempe. It really wasn't that cool. I was too excited about baking my first ziti later that day to concentrate on the sky anyways.

I took this touristy picture and then climbed to a higher part of the mountain beyond the typical look out point to finish watching the sun set. Then, to avoid ruining an intimate moment for a teen couple who were resting in the middle of my little trail to the top, I almost killed myself trying to find a new way down in the dark. I survived.

And here are some pictures of my midnight ziti. Yeah, took me a while to get to it. Pathetic. Really, I know almost nothing about baking. Almost as little as I know about dogs. I watched Seinfeld while I made it. Then I pretended I was on a date with Elaine while I ate it and watched another episode. Again, pathetic. I know.

It actually turned out to be a very enjoyable date. Not a bad ziti either.

old woman eats ice cream with her dog

2009-02-27T19:45:00.000-08:00

I sneaked this fuzzy, long-distance sequence through a car window from across the parking lot at a Dairy Queen. Click on it to make it bigger. I don't think it's safe to feed a dog ice cream. I also don't think this hag was taking the dog's health into consideration. I also know almost nothing about dogs.

Again behind the safety of a car window, this Jawa (you know, from the desert in Star Wars) was spotted scavenging in the shadows, just outside my friend Tim's apartment.

Which is stronger?

This is downtown Phoenix from the top of South Mountain. Not very impressive.